Zombie Walk parades are very often happenings these days. This is a short manual on what to do in case of Zombie Outbreak (real or false) Have fun reading this interesting and “serious” manual:

1) Don’t Panic
Sounds simple but how easy will it really be in the face of a fully blown zombie outbreak in a densely populated urban area? Remain as calm as possible, try not to drink or use medication to calm yourself. Breathe deeply and consider how you will survive. Fight or flight?

2) Know Your Enemy
Films and books have taught us that there are several different types of zombie. There’s the fast moving virally infected creatures like those in 28 Days Later, there’s those awakened by space radiation, dark magic, nanobots, ill-advised government projects and rogue pharmaceutical companies to consider.

Find out all you can about the zombies without endangering yourself, consider the following;
1)How fast are they?
2)Are you dealing with shambling reanimated corpses or the victims of a virus? 3)How fast/intelligent are they?
4)Are they scared of light, fire or loud noise?
5)How can you disable/kill your attackers?

3) Arm Yourself
If you have reached this stage chances are you have learned a bit about the zombies, be certain of what is going on. There will be announcements from the government or military on the TV or radio. Listen to them carefully, they will have invaluable information on how to best defend yourself from your attackers.

If the zombies are of the “traditional” variety then you have to destroy the brain, it does not take a great deal of imagination to figure out how to do that. If they are not true zombies then a good bonk to the head will still give you plenty of time to make an escape.

Living in the UK we do not have easy access to guns, you are probably going to have to make do with household implements. Sharpened broom handles, large kitchen knives, cricket bats, hockey sticks and curtain poles would all hugely increase your chances of survival.

Be sure to aim for the head and don’t focus on killing the brain-munching hordes, just get away. You might also want to make sure none of the zombie’s blood gets on your bare skin, wear a scarf around your mouth and ski goggles/glasses/sunglasses.

4) Contact Loved Ones
Worrying about your friends, partner or parents will make surviving a zombie outbreak a great deal harder. If the undead infestation is well underway then the mobile phone networks will almost definitely be down or jammed.

Send a text message, it will float around in the aether for a while but it will eventually find it’s way if/when the networks come back online.

If you feel confident you can reach your loved ones then by all means do so, what good is surviving if you have to do it alone?

5) Set Up Camp
Places people will naturally gravitate towards in disaster situations are best avoided; hospitals, police stations and military bases will be swamped with people seeking shelter, protection and medical attention.

Head somewhere easily fortifiable with water and sanitary facilities if at all possible.

If your home is very secure, high level, or isolated then head there. Board up the windows, barricade the doors and fill every sink, bath and shower tray with fresh water.

If the outbreak spirals out of control the water supply will eventually be disconnected or worse, contaminated. Filling up a few baths and buckets will give you a supply, albeit a limited one, of drinking water.

While you still have electricity, make use of it. Living in the technological age we have access to all manner of handy gadgets. Webcams, burglar alarms, home CCTV, and handheld video cameras can easily be used to monitor the perimeter of the house without stepping outside and bumping into a brain munching zombie horde.

6) Food
Hopefully you will have the traditional cupboard stockpile of a few days worth of dusty cans of beans and forgotten Super Noodles. Properly rationed they could last you a little while but eventually you’re going to have to venture out and do some foraging.

Presuming the outbreak has not yet been contained, the streets will be riddled with zombies and their unlucky victims. Travel as quickly and quietly as possible.

Tempting as cars are, they can break down, run out of fuel or attract unwanted zombie attention. As silly as it sounds, pedal bikes are quick, manoeuvrable, silent and with the aid of a nice big backpack, are capable of transporting you and a reasonably heavy load.

If you’re going out on a foraging mission make sure you are well armed and if possible, armoured. Motorbike leathers and skiwear will give you a little bit of protection.

When foraging (we will avoid the word “looting”, it’s a little unsavoury) steer clear of fresh foods and head straight for canned, dried and vacuum packed offerings.

7) Wait For Help
You’re not Van Helsing or Will Smith, going freelance zombie hunting will only end in disaster. Maintain your little fortress, only leave when it’s absolutely necessary and signal for help if possible, trying not to draw unwelcome attention.

There we go, a handy little guide to surviving a zombie outbreak this Halloween. Use it wisely and be sure that the monsters attacking your home are in fact zombies and not children in masks before you get out the cricket bat.